I have been so blessed with three children. Being a mother is my dream job. I’ve always wanted a big family, since I was little. At least four kids, maybe five or six, of course depending on how many I feel like after each one is added and how Dillon feels. My children are wonderful, challenging, and everything to me. Dillon and I have been trying for 2 years to have another baby. I do not want this post to be offensive to anyone, and my prayers and heart truly go out to those who struggle with much more difficult things when trying to add even one child to their family. If you are one of those people, I cannot imagine going through what you do, and you are amazing. I do not ignore the fact that this time has not been near as long as some people wait. I do not ignore the fact that I have three children already. I do not ignore the fact that I have never known the extreme heartache of never having a child. I don’t ignore the fact that I’ve never known the rollercoaster of emotions and hardships during the adoption process. I have cried tears of sorrow during heartache and tears of joy for dreams reached—these tears for those close to me struggling with adding children to their family. I do not know the devastating loss of a pregnancy or a child. I AM BLESSED. I do know that. I do feel peace. I do feel blessed beyond what I deserve. I do feel extremely happy with my family. I do recognize that this trial does not compare to some and is not as hard as it most definitely could be. I look at my children and thank Heavenly Father that I’ve been able to have them. Oh, how I know I’m blessed. I know I could possibly not have another baby and be perfectly happy because my life is amazing. I do have hard times every now and then. I ache at times with longing for another child. Through tears I watch commercials for hospitals showing newborn and maternity care. I hold another’s newborn baby and as they look up at me, I remember my other three looking up at me and I desire to have that just one more time. I hear of a friend’s infertility and I cry for her, even though she has two children, because I know how she is hurting. I feel guilty that I even think it’s a trial. I feel guilty that I don’t treat my children better and then feel like maybe it’s God’s way of telling me I don’t deserve more children. Those are the worst thoughts of all. And of course I know God doesn’t work that way and He is so good, but He does have something for me to learn through this—of that, I am sure. I got pregnant right away with my first. I got pregnant right away with my second. So blessed, I know. Poppy took a year and it felt like that was long, but looking back I realized it was the perfect timing. So I trust. I trust in God that things will work out. He knows best and at one point in my life, whether we have another or not, I will have a better understanding and things will make sense. God’s hand is in all things and I feel Him helping me and guiding me through this thing called secondary infertility.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I too have had many of the same thoughts and feelings. I really feel for you. As much as I wouldn't wish this on anyone, knowing that we share this trial gives me more strength to deal with these feelings. Thank you for being so open about it.
Christie, I am so sorry for you and Dillon. I hope you know that your feelings of grief and longing are valid and real, and understandable, and anyone who says differently has never experienced the pain of infertility. Its SO HARD to try to understand why the Lord would deny you this righteous desire, and its hard to find comfort in the words of others. But despite that, know that the Lord has a plan for you and your family. A grandma-figure in my life once said to me, "Maybe your little one isn't ready to come yet because she knows how hard it will be. Maybe she's tender-hearted and not very courageous yet, so Heavenly Father is holding her had a little while longer." I love you, Christie. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are an inspiration to me.
After watching many of my loved ones deal with infertility and losing a little one myself to a miscarriage, I second Merilee's statements. Your grief is valid and real. Despite my beautiful children, my heart still aches for that little one we lost. Big hugs and lots of prayers for you!
I have started writing this comment and then deleted it about a 100 times. Now a 101. I will just say that I love you, always have! I'm sorry you have to go through this!! Lets go to lunch!