A little bearing of my soul here…

And since this is a private blog, I feel like I can do that with only people I love and trust being able to read this:).

My Dad is moving to Thailand to get married.  I know a first initial reaction is shock and laughter for many who may read this.  “What?!”  you may think.  Some may also think that it’s not a big deal.

To me and my siblings, it is.  It’s like the hope for a relationship that I had wanted so badly, is now gone.  And although I am extremely happy for him, I am also sad.  I realize that at the end of the day, if you are going home to an empty house, it is lonely.  I know he needs someone.  I am really very happy for him.

I felt like our relationship was going to be able to grow, though.  He had talked a lot about moving to Utah when he retired from his job in Texas.  He was coming out yearly for Christmas the last 5 years (I think it was that many).  My sisters and I got to go visit him 2 summers ago.  I felt like I was getting to know a man I had never truly known, and I was really excited thinking of him moving closer to us.  He had said within at least a days drive, if not closer.  Retirement was only a couple years away.

My brother mentioned that at first, he had some similar thoughts and feelings as when my dad originally left, but then said he dismissed it quickly as they were unrelated, but as I thought about it more last night, I thought that yes, I do feel similar feelings. 

The morning of the day he left (I was 14), he offered to take me to school.  He had been out of a job for a while and so spent all day every day looking for work. I was surprised he wanted to take me.  Before I got out of the car, I felt like I should tell him I loved him.  In my house at this point, it was common for us younger kids to give my mom a hug and kiss before bed and say goodnight and “love ya”, because that’s what she did with us.  It wasn’t really something I did with my dad.  I specifically remembering wanting to, but feeling so distanced from him at times.  So it caught me off guard to feel like I should say that to him.  I did, thankfully.  He just looked at me in his rear-view mirror and said, “I love you too, Christie.”  He didn’t come home that night.

I remember then thinking, “If only I had given him more hugs, or told him I loved him more often (or at all), he would have stayed.”  And now the feelings are similar.  If only I had tried harder to help him know how much we love him.  If only we had tried to save more money to go see him every year. 

So part of me is very sad. 

The other part of me thinks, he would have done it no matter what, and I am very happy that he won’t be lonely anymore.  His fiance is very nice.  They met on his trip to Thailand last year, and have kept in contact since then. 

Anyways, I don’t really have much else to say, I guess I just needed to get my thoughts out.  My initial response really was pure happiness for him. It wasn’t until I had more time to think about what him being so far away really means, that I got sad.

I have a great Dad.  I pray that him and his new wife will be very happy in Thailand!