Tender Mercies

I don’t have time to write this stuff in my journal right now, so I’m just going to write it as a blog post.  For the 2 or 3 of you who read this ;).

Let me just tell you, life has been hard.  It has been hard and stressful and sad and scary and also very wonderful.

Two weeks ago:  Ruby’s surgery is coming up soon.  She was supposed to have a sedated echocardiogram this past Thursday, the 14th, but it was rescheduled due to her having a nasty cold and ear infection a couple weeks ago.  Thank goodness her oxygen saturation stayed up!  So since it was delayed once, Dillon and I decided to keep her away from public places as much as possible.  No church, no stores, no friends over for my kids, nothing.  My kids are handling it rather well, thankfully!  It’s a little hard for me to stay home so much and not see my friends, but anything for Ruby!

One week and five days ago:  Our ward and stake boundaries were all rearranged.  My street only was moved out of our ward boundaries and into another ward along with part of one other ward (so three wards combined to make one).  I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Gordon Lane Ward and was really sad about it.  I still am.  Bishop Howard came over and cried, though I wasn’t going to cry in front of my kiddos.  I wanted them to know it is ok to be sad and if they wanted to cry it was fine, but I wanted to be optimistic for them because it is what it is and of course it will be fine.  We live in the same place, it will just be different with church and scout stuff.  But it was still hard.

One week and two days ago:  The new Bishop (Bishop Gibbons) came over to meet us and told me that I was called to be the YW President.  He started to cry as he started to tell me.  I got teary eyed. He said, “It’s really hard for me to extend this calling knowing what your family is going through, but the Lord wants you to be the YW President in the new Lighthouse Ward.  I think the reason your street is in our ward is so you can be with these YW and influence them, along with the other people on your street.  You have something to teach them.  They need your influence.”  He said he knew a little of what was going on with Ruby, but he was in the temple and he just knew I was the person.  Overwhelmed!  And scared and just overwhelmed.  I cried off and on the next two days :).  In addition to this all, Dillon has been extremely overworked and stressed.  Things aren’t going exactly as planned with work and money (we are ok but do have some catching up to do) and so we pretty much NEVER see him.  It’s hard on him and it’s hard on me and the kids.  It’s just hard.

One week and one day ago:  Feeling completely inadequate and overwhelmed and sad.  I actually woke up thinking it was a bad dream, ha ha!  I know I will look back and laugh and think how silly of me to be so worried, but I was just so overwhelmed and I still do feel inadequate, but more peaceful for sure.  I emailed the Bishop and said I wasn’t backing out, but the names were hard for me because they were just names.  I didn’t know a thing about any of them.  I was short-tempered with my kids and just wow, it was not a good day.  I asked the Bishop if it was ok to call someone who knew the ladies from Ponderosa.  The Bishop had told me some names he thought would be good for the job, but that was still a pretty good number of people.  He said it was ok and even a good thing to get as much info as I could.  I called someone who gave me excellent info on the ladies—just what I was looking for and it really helped me!  She was not gossipy or mean or anything, just told me about the ones that stood out from the list I made and the good qualities of them.  She was the perfect person to call!

One week ago:  I was able to leave my girls with my (healthy) mom while the boys were at school and go to the Temple.  The Bishop had wanted my counselors by Saturday morning.  I knew NO ONE in the ward apart from those on my street.  It was a very very hard thing for me!  But I was able to see the amazing new video in the Jordan River Temple.  I was told to put away the names I was praying about in the Celestial Room, but got them out in the locker room to finish praying. I got some really amazing answers.  This calling is forcing me to become closer to Heavenly Father and be in tune with the Spirit.  And for that I am extremely grateful.  Let me back up though—the first half an hour or so in the session, I was being greatly chastised by the Lord!!!  It was really hard to sit there wanting so badly to feel the Spirit and not feeling like I was going to get my answers I came for.  In fact, I got a little panicky, thinking I had so little time to be there because I had to hurry back to feed Ruby.  I was kind of wondering what the heck was going on!  I came to feel the Spirit!  But then I realized some things I have to change in my life to feel the Spirit and get those answers I need and had some repenting to do first!  So after I was humbled, I received my answers!  It was actually a very neat, and of course humbling, experience:).

last Saturday:  I was praying to find my checkbook.  I had lost it and started a prayer kind of like “Really?  I lost this and everything is going out of control.  Heavenly Father, can you please help me remember—-”  and then I instantly knew where it was before I finished my prayer. It was awesome.  It felt like He knew I needed to find it and was seriously just jumping at the first opportunity to tell me where it is, but I just had to ask.  A lesson I tend to have to re-learn at times.

last Sunday:  I ended up in Sacrament sitting RIGHT NEXT to the girl I wanted to keep as my second counselor.  I had asked her how long she was in and she said two years.  So the whole time I’m doubting my answer, thinking oh no, she’s probably tired and ready to be released.  So after they sustained me and I could talk to her, I thought I’d ask how she was feeling with her calling.  Cause she had said she was sad it was her last day too, but then I thought maybe she’s relieved in a way too.  Anyways, I asked and she got teary-eyed and said, “I’d absolutely LOVE to stay if you want me to.”  So that was that.  I knew she was supposed to stay.  Another thing that day that meant a lot to me was that when I was sustained and standing up, one of the YW turned around and smiled sweetly at me.  That meant a lot.  Something so small and easy but made me feel a little better.

This week:  Has been full of ups and downs, but it has also been awesome.  I am being a better mom.  I am being a better wife. Which those two things alone make me feel so much happier.   I am feeling like this staying home with Ruby is turning out to be a huge blessing because I have a LOT to do at home and with my calling and well, before I was kind of running around everywhere, feeling really really busy.  And now I’m home for a good cause and I feel like I have time to get things under control!   Dillon is still gone a ton (in fact, I’ve probably seen him like 1 hour all week and the kids for about 10 minutes).  He’s had some major disappointments with work this week.  But we both have better attitudes about it and are doing what we can with how life is right now.  Life can be a lot harder than it is.  It’s still hard for us right now, but we are still so very blessed.

Ruby’s insurance denied her these RSV shots called synagis.  We are trying to appeal it.  The cardiology nurse called and said, “I CANNOT believe that they denied it.  That’s just so ridiculous.” My pediatrician (who I LOVE) couldn’t believe it either.  So they are working to get it appealed and hopefully we can.  He said (Dr. Fulkerson) that if the insurance knew that if she got RSV it could very well mean a 2 week stay in the hospital with her heart defect, they would cover it.  He said they must not have done any research on Tetralogy of Fallot–that if they knew she would eventually die from this defect that they wouldn’t have denied it.

Can I also just tell you another story about her pediatrician that made me love him more?  On Halloween is when I went and told him the echo was moved because of her ear infection and cold.  He was pretty upset–he just kept saying that we just have to get this surgery taken care of, that this winter she can get sick and end up hospitalized and just have a rough time, etc. etc.  Anyways, he said, “I love her…”  and then he choked up.  He said that and then just said, “We just need to get her surgery done as SOON as possible!”  So I love the guy.  And he loves Ruby.  It’s really awesome.  I have never had a doctor cry over my child before.  I just have to say that as hard as things are with Ruby sometimes, at least I know I’m taking her every week to a doctor that really cares about her.

I was super nervous for the first YW activity.  But my friends husband had sent me a link of getting to know you activities and we ended up doing one of those.  We ended about 20 minutes early but I had made cookies (and Sheila baked the rest up while I was gone and watched all the kids too, which was so helpful).  And I survived and had a good time.  These are some great girls.

My old VT stopped by after the ward split and brought donuts.  My old visiting teachee stopped by with a treat, my Aunt sent a sweet note in the mail, and I’ve had many calls/emails/texts supporting me and my family.  And I’ve appreciated each and every one of those kind acts or words.  So.  So.  Much.

Again, I’m feeling pretty good.  I’m still overwhelmed but I’m feeling peaceful.  If there is one thing I can always count on with prayer, it’s the peace that comes when I pray.  I can always count on that.  I might not know how all these things will turn out or work out or be solved, but I do know that if I’m trying to be good and praying a lot, I can feel peace and know that things will somehow work out.  Because they always do.