Some Pretty Sentimental Thoughts from a Mother at 12:29 am

I walked into my room tonight and looked at Ruby’s tiny body asleep on my bed and had instant tears in my eyes.  She is sleeping peacefully beside me as I type this.  I just had a conversation with Dillon before coming upstairs about how it’s all going so fast.  Our kids are growing up so fast.  I want to just take their cute little personalities and bottle it up so I can re-live these precious moments with them when I miss them most.  I want to remember how Bailey dances so cute and sings and how she has a nervous laugh when she’s unsure of herself, but remember how she is mostly full of confidence in herself.  I love that.  I love that she thinks she’s pretty.  She doesn’t seem so little anymore.  I want to remember how Carson talks my ear off about Legos and Percy Jackson and video games he’s never played.  I want to remember his crazy funny dance moves and how he tries so hard to make us laugh.  I want to remember how Devon has this cute sense of humor that keeps us laughing, something that is emerging more and more.  I want to remember that even when he pushes the limits a little more, he gets a really innocent smile upon us correcting him and is almost instantly meek and submissive.  I want to remember Ruby’s amazingly bright eyes and how she smiles at us even when she cries, and how she is such a happy baby.  I want to remember how she grinned and grinned at me tonight when I sang her songs, how she was captivated by me and looked at me like she never loved anyone more.  I want to remember her sighs of contentment while I nurse her, how she stops and smiles at me and how she stares and slowly blinks before falling asleep.  And how she’s starting to try and grab things and how cute it is.  I want to remember how much my kids are in love with her.  How they all seem to have a magnetic pull towards her.  We’re pretty sure Devon has a rubber band type string that connects right to her and he can never be gone for long before running back to her.

I want to be able to live in those moments and capture them forever.  I feel a little panicky sometimes lately, when I realize how fast it is going!  My kids do some things that drive me crazy, but there are oh so many moments when I think, “I love this.  I don’t ever want to forget this.”  And I know I will!  I’m hoping after my life is over here that I will have a perfect memory of things I don’t want to forget.

We have a family in the ward who sent their oldest girl off on her mission today.  I was working on something in my kitchen and thought about her and her family.  She has a really great relationship with her parents that I really admire.  I thought about them going home without her and wondered if they feel a little empty.  I’m sure they are grateful that she is doing what she should, but still so hard to send of your child after they’ve lived at home for 18 or 19 years.  And hard for her too.

It’s silly that I already miss my kids before they are gone.  I know I sound like a crazy lady, and I don’t always feel this way, but lately I have.  I am pretty sure it stems from my mind wandering to the worst case scenario with Ruby and her surgery.  Which we won’t discuss because it makes me bawl.  I know it does no good, but those quiet times where it’s just me and her, sometimes I just have a good little cry and pray a lot that I will not have to know life without her.  Without any of my kids.  I cannot imagine.

And now I better just go to bed.  Sorry for the sentimental, sappy post.  It happens at this time of night I suppose.

I have loads of blog posts to catch up on.  I’m still feeling like I’m in survival mode with having Ruby. I pretty much hold her all day and I love it.